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(no subject) [Sep. 14th, 2009|04:14 pm]
Since my good friend Bill passed away last Saturday, I've had, to my memory, 3 or 4 dreams about it. Last night's one was all about using a technique involving strong memories, and learning how to seize and manipulate the fourth dimension to create the illusion that he was still alive. The sad part was that, the way it worked in the dream, still seemed like it should work in real life. Even after I woke up I felt like I should be able to pull that off, whatever it was.

I think one of the other dreams was pretty much the same thing.
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I had an appendectomy on May 16th [that's a Saturday]. [May. 23rd, 2009|08:31 pm]
When I woke up at midnight on Saturday, I felt immense physical pain in my lower abdomen.

When I woke my mom up a few minutes later in hopes that she could give me a cure, I felt guilty for waking her.

When I continued to cry, and my mom eventually sighed and asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital at 12:30, I wanted to say no, and wondered why she jumped to such an extremity before trying anything else.

When she asked again and I nodded yes, and she went into her room saying she'll go get dressed, I felt remorse for making her do this on an hour of sleep.

When I knew I had the strength to speak and grab my iPod on the way out the door, I felt embarrassed that my mom might think I was over-exaggerating the pain.

When the pain started going down on the way to the hospital, I felt desperation and prayed that going to the hospital would be worth it.

When my mom rubbed my leg my leg as we were waiting in the emergency room to be called in, I felt like maybe she finally cared about what was happening to me.

When my mom joked to the nurse about how I was in a bed and she was in a chair, and I got two hours of sleep while she only had one before we left, I felt nothing.

When my mom left to go sleep in the car and I called her 15 minutes later because I started having an attack of pain in my chest and needed her to call the nurse for me, I felt nothing.

When my mom joked to the nurses about how sleeping in the car didn't work, I felt unloved.

When the doctor came in at 3 AM after doing blood tests and told us my white blood cell count was high, I felt like thanking God that something was wrong and wanted to turn to my mom and say, "Told you so".

When I heard a group of nurses and doctors having fun and laughing outside my open door in the early, slow hours of the hospital, I felt safe.

When a nurse caught my eye while I was leaving the bathroom and smiled at me, I felt cared for.

When a doctor came in at 7 AM to tell me that he and an off-site radiologist looked at my CT scan results and they determined it was suspicious for early appendicitis, I felt sad that they were making it seem that unimportant.

When that same doctor came in at 9 AM to tell me that the on-site radiologist came in and looked at it with more people, and they determined it was appendicitis, I felt a little better that it was that important.

When my mom left to get breakfast in the cafeteria and we had to call her back in just 10 minutes later so the surgeon resident could talk to us, I felt guilty for not telling her she should just wait a few more minutes before leaving.

When the surgeon told me that they were going to operate and take out the appendix even if it wasn't infected, just to be safe, I felt like they were making too big a deal out of it to make me feel better about myself and hoped that it really would be inflamed.

When I was taken to another room in the pediatrics ward, I loved having nurses who treated me like I was as young as the other patients in that ward, and took care of me.

When I was told I would stay overnight in the hospital after the surgery so they could keep an eye on me, I felt happy to not have to deal with my family for a whole night.

When I was being prepped up for the surgery and my hospital gown slipped off my shoulder and my chest was exposed, I felt secure enough that only doctors were seeing it.

When I was told I couldn't eat solid foods until the next day, I felt relieved that something bad finally happened to me and I had a reason to relax and let someone take care of me.

When my mom finally left at 7:40 PM to go home for the night, I felt like a chain was being cut and looked forward to being on my own for the rest of the night.

When my IV slipped out of my vein in the middle of the night and I let the fluid swell up in my arm for 3 hours while I slept, I felt disgusted with myself for tossing around so much and letting it happen.

When my night nurse was gentle and loving about the IV incident and explained to me that I didn't really need the IV for anything anymore, I felt like that mistake could be erased.

When I realized I could get up and go to the bathroom without having to unplug the apparatus the IV was hooked up to, and take it with me, I felt sad that I was slowly evolving out of the get-treated-like-a-baby phase of my hospital stay.

When the surgeon resident came in the next morning to tell me that he talked to me after the surgery but I didn't remember it because I was still "out of it" from the anesthesia, I felt pathetic that I couldn't remember what the doctors were saying to me.

When I was on the phone when my Sunday nurse came in and he left quickly, I felt pissed off at myself for cutting his visit short.

When the surgeon wrote that I could be excused from school for a week and was confined to "limited duty" until the day before school ended, I felt relieved that I was given time to work with.

When I insisted on going to school the very next day, I felt cocky and loved how everyone admired me for it.

When one friend told me that he was proud of me for not "being a whiny little bitch" like another student was when he had appendicitis a few years prior, I felt strong and loved that was proud of me.

When that student told me how much worse his appendicitis situation actually was than mine, and how long he ignored the pain for, that amazing feeling went away.

When I had to leave math class a few minutes early for my follow-up appointment on Thursday, and my teacher asked me on the way out the door if something was wrong or if it was just a check-up, I felt loved and thanked him for the concern.

When the doctor who was doing the follow-up told me that test results showed my appendix was infected, I felt pretty awesome.

When I'm at home at night listening to music, playing Solitaire, reminiscing on my hospital stay, I feel depressed that I'm not still in the hospital.

When I'm reminiscing about the hospital stay, and remembering details instead of just vague happenings, making me feel like I haven't forgotten anything, I feel like I want to write them all down and hold onto them forever.

When I realize that I never once day-dreamed about any moment between 9 PM on Friday night and 1 PM on Sunday afternoon, I feel satisfied that there was finally an experience in my life that I enjoyed so much, that I didn't want to play with and trick my memory into believing it happened any other way.

I think I'm real messed up.
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Things That Make Me Cry [May. 10th, 2009|08:51 pm]
Everyone has a few things in life that depress them, for one reason or another. I don't really know myself that well; it's hard for me to answer questions about my emotions or to really decipher what I'm feeling sometimes. But when the thought is there, I'm quite aware of some things that really just make me cry on the inside. I'd cry on the outside, too, but I'm probably so depressed at whatever's making me feel that way that crying just kinda makes things worse.

So, here it is. Things That Make Me Cry [Without Fail]:
1. Nausea.
2. Vomitting.
3. Thoughts/fear of vomiting in the future.
4. People who cry and scream and throw hissy fits to make other people do whatever they want. My heart goes out to people who are too weak to overcome these people.
5. Realizing that I just screamed and cried and threw a hissy fit and ended up getting what I wanted, especially if it's something another person REALLY didn't want to give me.
6. Sad animals.
7. Making animals sad.
8. Pain that doesn't go away no matter how hard you try.
9. Heat.
10. Being out in the heat and then walking into even worse heat.
11. Feeling vulnerable to how powerful the Earth is and realizing that I may feel safe now, but really, a global disaster that no one can run away from is what's probably going to kill us all.
12. Spilling ice cream [or other frozen treats] on the ground [or on any other surface that can't be eaten off of].
13. Balloons that are popped on accident.
14. Non-babies acting like babies [not to be confused with non-kids acting like a playful fun kind of kid, which actually makes me kinda happy].
15. Loud noises.
16. Not doing something right.
17. Getting yelled at for doing something wrong accidentally.
18. Not being able to fall asleep because of physical discomfort.
19. Taking a nap during the day and feeling like I missed out on a lot.
20. The color of the sky when there aren't any clouds, but it's voggy.
21. My dog making licky-chewy-sloppy-shuffle-breathing noises when she's trying to clean herself.
22. The way my dog smells because no one has given her a bath in fuck knows how long.
23. My dog touching her nose on my hand.
24. Anything dirty or wet getting on my hands within seconds after washing and drying them.
25. Anything wet getting on my arms that isn't rain or something I put there.
26. Things that aren't being communicated well enough.
27. Not understanding what's happening or what's expected of me.
28. Trying to gain control of a situation that no one's letting me gain control of.
29. Doing things wrong that I know I shouldn't be doing wrong.
30. Things coming to an improper ending.
31. Trying to do something for/to someone else and then having them scream "NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!".

That's it for now.
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Augh dreams [Feb. 28th, 2009|11:39 am]
Well I found this game on the Gameboy. It was originally on the N64, but anyway, I got this game and I beat a level I'd been having a lot of trouble with, and I got past it and then kept playing and having fun. Then all of a sudden my dad comes in telling me about this thing he heard about the game, and you had to get to the top of a certain "hill" for something "special". I could tell that somehow the game had become somewhat of a reality and really, he wanted something drug-related that the top of the hill could get him. Then of course, all of a sudden, MCR were scheduled to show up at school over the weekend. Their scheduled date wasn't until a day later, but there was already a line, and instead of my dad wanting me to get to the top of that hill, it was some shady guys, who also wanted us to buy these crafts they were making, and they were telling us that it would help us meet MCR if we got to the top of the hill. Since we couldn't get it, we weren't allowed to meet the band or eat any of the cake that was going around. Later that night, Chris B. found out that the guys were trying to get this ion that was on the hill for illegal reasons. He called 911 and told them that they were trying to clone dinosaurs and already had one ready to go. I had to go through a door [we were now on the run] leading into a small room, then had to through another maze of doors, so that the guy who was trying to find me, of course, wouldn't find me. Chris had figured out the same thing I figured out, and when we finally caught the guy, he admitted to us what he wanted, and agreed not to kill us. Then the dream skipped forward, kind of like a cliche horror movie where everyone lives but years later the nightmare comes back to haunt them. It skipped forward a couple of months, and Chris and I all of a sudden were dating. I was walking up this back road in town somewhere, and supposedly it was dangerous but I knew I was gonna be okay. I heard people going "psst!" behind me to get me to stop walking, but I ignored it. All of a sudden I was encased in warmth, and blacked out. I woke up and all my friends were with me, and those shady guys were back to get something else [we were smart and didn't do it].
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Hehehe. [Jan. 31st, 2009|06:20 pm]
Holly: I really like root beer floats.
Josh: Yes! Without the root.

Adam: Eisenhower invented the interstate system.
Me: That's great.
Adam: Who was the president when Hawaii became a state?
Me: I don't know.
Adam: Eisenhower.
Me: That's nice.

Josh: Guys, there's a ton of fruit left over, so everyone should grab one on the way.
Brandi: I already have a fruit!
Josh: You are a fruit.
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More crazy dreams. [Nov. 28th, 2008|10:45 am]
My dad tried to kill me. He kept pointing this gun at me every time I said something to offend him... usually I was able to turn it around to sound better. Then one time I didn't and he shot me in the back of my head. Then I guess I stopped dreaming for a bit. Then later in another part of the dream the same thing was happening, and I was laying on the ground, literally paralyzed with fear, and I had a choice of 4 things to say but I couldn't say them. I couldn't roll away or else he would shoot me, and I couldn't wait for him to fire and then move my arm to block the bullet because I was too scared. I couldn't even talk.

In another part, me, Bill, and Dakota all went to Dakota's house. We were eating burgers from Jack in the Box and trying to get into his house through a small window. All of a sudden we were trying to get into the school cafeteria and we weren't allowed to bring food in. Later on, Bill and I walked backwards through that small window-turned-door, doing the wave. What the fuck?

Also, I was at swim practice, when all of a sudden, Mr. P. and his wife and kid showed up at the pool asking to use one of the lanes that the swim team was using. Then Mr. P. took off his pants and shirt to reveal that he really let himself go and was wearing a powder-blue one piece women's bathing suit. The notion was that he had aged 20 years but dream-me didn't bother to realize that, hey, no one else is 20 years older than they should be. In fact, I think he was bearing strong resemblance to my dad, but with his usual dark hair instead of my dad's grey hair.
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I don't think I've ever had a dream that told me so much about my subconscious before. [Nov. 27th, 2008|11:54 am]
I had two dreams, actually. I woke up after the first one with my right arm completely numb from the shoulder down, and after I rearranged it and got the blood flowing again, and I fell back asleep and had the second dream.

The first dream had sort of a time-travelling/reminiscent element. I was my current age, but I was just finding out that the reason my dad left my life when I was 6 years old was because my parents had gotten a divorce [in real-life, my dad has always been here, unfortunately]. My mom never really told me why my dad was gone, but I didn't pay any mind to it. He didn't matter to me, but I was happy that he was gone. I was looking through pictures and replaying movies in my head from a time after my dad left, showing how happy my brother, mom and I all were without him. But when I was 11, they had gotten remarried. I found a note written on a pad in the kitchen [at my current age], which seemed like a woman wrote it but it was my dad, and he was pleading for my mom to forgive him and take him back. A lot of the pages were tied together, because he didn't want my mom reading those, and the pad was dangling from a string, a kind of plastic string though, dangling from the ceiling as if my dad was on the roof and let it down, because he wasn't allowed inside the house. Again, I never really knew that they had gotten divorced and remarried, just that for 5 years of my life, he was gone, and I was happy. I didn't get a chance to ask my mom all these questions that were going through my head, before I woke up.

I don't remember the first part of the second dream; the memory starts where my ("assistant") swim coach, Coach Owens, and I, were going to Kailua High, where he was also a coach, to have a talk with the grades of 2 students on his team who had peed on his face in retaliation for something he did that they didn't like. I didn't know kids had grades for their sports teams. The mother of one kid was insisting that her son's grade shouldn't be affected, but Coach Owens said that both kids, whose grades were A and C, should be lowered to a failing grade, instead of lowered only 1 or 2 letter grades each. Coach Owens and I eventually caught up with one kid on a bus, and he let me take revenge. I snuck up on the kid from behind, slapped him in the face to get his attention, then scratched and peed on his face. Everyone on the bus cheered because they knew what he did. Coach Owens gave me his hat and his notebook to find out who the second kid was, while he fixed two injuries he got from an apparent fight with the first kid. Layers of skin were ripped in chunks from the two injuries on his hand, and he kept drawing notes on them for some reason, which was making me sick. We never found the second kid.

Usually my dreams are just composed of elements I experience in my life, and while I could find symbolism - when I took off the two hats I was wearing [I had a hat on before Coach Owens put his hat on me], my hair was in a bun like it is when I wear a swim cap; Kailua's swim team was practicing at the pool where my swim team was practicing yesterday - there were a lot of things that I think really had to do with my feelings towards a lot of things.

Two connections between the dreams were the overall feeling of things - I can't describe it, but they were the same - and the strings. On the pad in the first dream, there were small bits of that plastic string hanging on the corner, and in a grade book of sorts in the second dream, there were small neon-green bits of that same string that represented the letter grades.

Odd.
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sense of impending doom: log #2 [Nov. 4th, 2008|08:48 pm]
Date: November 4th, 2008

Current Time: 8:48 PM

Time of Sense: Since my return from swim practice.

Related Thoughts:
[A] Food
-Why am I still eating I do not feel hungry.
[B] Swim practice
-I can't run, I cheat during all the warm ups, and I haven't swam in years, why am I here.
-Oh god so many people
[C] School
-Why am I going to school tomorrow with a 2-liter bottle of Sprite
-I need to finish my homework still!
[D] Headphones
-Oh god where are my headphones I can't find them.
-I totally just stole my brother's headphones and lied about them oh god what is wrong with me.

I turned on my music and it made me feel little bit better. But not by much.

I think I'm sick.

Maybe it's not impending doom!

My lips hurt.
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sense of impending doom: log #1 [Sep. 22nd, 2008|06:42 pm]
Date: September 22nd, 2008

Current Time: 6:42 PM

Time of Sense: All day, pretty much

Related Thoughts:
[A] Sleeping on the beach prior night
[B] Putting off homework in lieu of sleep
[C] Putting off cleaning the litterbox in lieu of sleep
[D] Putting off discussing ticket purchase with mom in lieu of sleep
[E] Putting off sleep in lieu of writing this blog

Details:
[A]:
-Lying to people about actually being on beach all night
-Letting iPod get all full of sand
-Not immediately washing clothes that are full of sand
-Falling asleep when I vowed not to
-Supposed new "tradition" of sleeping on the beach over the weekend -- am I seriously replacing what I used to do on Sunday nights for this?

[B]:
-God if I don't turn in this assignment my grade my drop to a C and I won't be able to bring it back up in time

[C]:
-God my mom is gonna be so pissed to walk into a smelly house after being out all day

[D]:
-What if I forget holy shit holy shit I need those tickets

[E]:
-Why the fuck am I still awake I wanted to be in bed 42 minutes ago

That didn't help me very much at all.

Thanks, LiveJournal. Thanks for NOTHING.
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Pink ribbon scars the never forget [May. 26th, 2008|07:29 am]
I don't like abrupt loud noises. If it's loud enough, it could make me cry.

I enjoy reading lists.

When I'm home alone I start cleaning the house, and then when the house is clean to my satisfaction, I cook.

I can stand to see myself in a mirror but I can't stand to see myself in pictures.

I wish I could be awkward and eccentric and myself and have my friends just go along with it instead of them looking at me weird.

My stalkerish tendancies sprouted from a fixation to know things.

Robbie and I are the only two people, that I know of, that got through the 40+ days of rain 2 years ago without once saying or feeling "It's nice but I'd like to see some sun now".

I rub my palms and my fingers together compulsively just to hear the sound.

I wish my room was bigger so I could as much crap as I needed into it so I didn't have to leave and live in the rest of the house with my family.

I like driving, but I also like sitting in a moving vehicle. The longest I've gone without getting ansty or sleepy was 8 hours in a plane. I wonder how long I could go on a bus.

I had trouble identifying myself as a human through my childhood and a part of me will simply never get it.

I like the kinds of pain accompanying the disturbance of the outermost layers of skin.

I wish I could go back to the days when controlling my emotions was a second nature.

I had way more fun in eigth grade than I think I ever will in highschool, when my two best friends and I did everything together and did nothing with anyone else.

Twice in my life I was a regular in a very close-knit chatroom with 10-15 other people that lasted for months and both times I reached points where I would minimize the window and ignore it for hours, until I gradually stopped going to the chats. I keep in touch with only one person from each of those chats now and sometimes I miss everyone else like crazy.

Falling-outs when no one did anything are the worst kind of falling-outs.

Dreams are so much fun. Losing touch with reality and entering my own world is my favorite. So I played with Barbie dolls until I was 8.

I wish I was better at making these lists like Sam was.

I don't have a soothing aura. I get so battered around people making me feel like everything I say or do is wrong so whenever I notice somebody else saying or doing something that I've been criticised for, I smile and react to them the way I wish people would react to me.

I want a wad of money, and I want to go to Safeway, and I want all those $4 toys that hang off the shelves obstructing your view of exactly what you need to buy. And I want to sit in my house alone and play with them. And maybe have a friend with me. But only one friend.

I love hugs and sitting next to friends with heads and legs on each others laps and torsos. It's nice to be physically close with someone, lust or no.

*

I mostly think in images.

I really like stuffed animals and dolls.

I like to decroate my dresser with small statues and figurines, mostly of animals but I also have a procelain tea set.

I have a lot of small collections that never really took off.

Even though I miss some moments of my past, and I wish I had embraced the good times a little more, it's nice to be living in the now and if trying to go back to my past interferes with that, I wouldn't turn back.

I genderized numbers, letters, and colours when I was in preschool.

There are colours that my brain doesn't agree with to such an extent that just seeing them scares me. The colour of blue that the sky turns to behind a veil of vog is one of those.

I won't let an adult have authority over me if I feel they don't deserve it.

I don't follow my mom around in the grocery store because I have separation anxiety. I do it - with everyone I'm there with, really - because it's a bitch to walk around the whole damn store eight and a half times trying to find them again once you get separated.
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High School Never Ends [May. 24th, 2008|01:34 pm]
9th grade

Mrs. Fa'onelua: Galen, what's it mean to be positive?
Galen: Don't be negative?

Ms. Tomas: Cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it!

Max: Where'd my virginity go?
Alicia: It ran away. Along with your cat.
Max: It ran away? With that man's cat?
Me: Yes, that man's cat.
Max: That man fucked his cat, I don't want his cat.

Keoni: You're done already?
Torin: Nope, I just answered every question before you did.

Dylan is reciting a poem
Dylan: I am a carefree girl-
JD: I knew it!
Adrian: What a fruit!
Cole: Come on, you carefree fruit.
Dylan finishes the poem
Adrian: Thanks for finally coming out of the closet.

Danielle and Grace are discussing mullets while the teachers is loaning out calculators
Mrs. Fa'onelua: Alrght. Galen, Matt, Jacob, Marissa. Come get your calculators.
Danielle: What, I don't get a mullet?

The English class is watching Charlie and the Choclate Factory
Cole: Is that Michael Jackson?

Danielle: Come on, Kasey, you can do it! Just jerk on it!

Josh: Ms. Toe-jam, you are a polar bear.

Britney: It was | | this thick and | | long, and those are just the ones laying around the house. And you know the big freezer ones? They're | |/| | that big.

Kasey is putting a safety pin in her jacket
Danielle: Think you're hardcore with that safety pin, Kasey?
Kasey: It keeps my jacket together.
Danielle: It keeps your fat arse together.
Kasey: Huh?
Danielle: What?

Danielle: Just letting you all know, yestyerday was my birthday.
Sean: How old are you?
Danielle: 304. Good birthday. Not as good as 303, but still good.

Mickey is on the ground, writhing and rubbing her head erotically
Jaclyn: You aren't supposed to love your own hair, it's like narcissism. Or in this case, masturbation.

Ian: Mrs. Powers touched my ass.
Dave: That's my job!

Galen: Miss, I was absent yesterday so I guess I can't take the test.

Adrian: I'm gonna commit suicide... nah, I'd never do that. I love me.

Josh: There's that little son of a bitch.
Josh flicks an ant into a petri dish full of acidic fluid
Josh: How do you like that, dick? Oh, he's crawling on the rim, what a fag! Fuckin' ho. That's what you get for crawling on me douchebag.

Britney is writing out Kasey's name in the air.
Britney: Kaaaayyyyyseeeeeyyyy.
Danielle: (mocking voice) Kaaaayyys- what are you doing, having sex with it?

Jaclyn: Shut the fuck up!
Cory: ...Shut the hell up.
Jaclyn: I used a bigger swear word than you!

Dylan: Johnny Depp is hot!
Jackson: He's so sexy!

Kai: Ask me where the party is.
Nick: Where's the party?
Kai: In your mouth, everybody's coming!

Nick: The australian kiss is like a french kiss but down under.

The fan is making an irritating noise
Mason: (hits the fan) (flamboyant voice) Stop that!

Boys are playing with gangster figurines in back of classroom
Substitute teacher: Hey, aren't you guys a little old to be playing with dolls? (picks one up)
Jacob: (whispers) Hey, aren't you a little old to be playing with dolls?
Josh: You like playing with Dr. Feel Good?
Substitute teacher: Is that what this guy's name is?
Josh: It is now that you've picked him up.

Ms. Meulmans: You can use a pink pen, purple pen, green pen, glitter pen-
Katrina: I have al lof those.
Ms. Meulamsn: I don't care.
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My Bucket List [May. 13th, 2008|08:09 pm]
Hop on a bus or a train with no clue where it's going.

Smoke weed in a room - by myself - music playing, canvas propped up, paints everywhere. See what happens.

Road trip!

Sky dive.

Live in the woods.

[Check] Get kicked out of a public building for doing something that isn't even illegal.

Go on a long hike.

Spend an entire night out in nature with someone close to me.

Stage a food fight.

Unleash 600+ bouncy balls in a slightly contained public area.

Scream as loud as I can.

[Check] Play in the rain and the mud.

[Check] See Cirque Du Soleil.

Follow a band on tour.

Canoe.

Spend an entire month reading, from sunrise to sunset every day.

Swing until my chain lines up with the top bar and then jump off.

Skateboard down a hill.

Go to the Gathering of the Juggalos.

Listen to every song on my iPod and really get a feel for what it's tyring to tell me.

[Check] Make a music video.

[Check] Film a short movie.

Swim with sharks without crazy protection gear.

Visit the Redwood Forest.
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(no subject) [Dec. 15th, 2007|02:28 pm]
You know what? I'm just gonna recap my whole day. That's what blogs are for, yeah? Fuck.

So I begin my day by leaving my drawings at home. No big, I can just stop by the house after school and grab them. Right? I get to school and Dave comes up about 5 minutes before the bell rings.
"I have some terrible, horrible news for you."
"No you don't."
"My wallet got stolen. My bus pass, gift cards, like 4 full hot topic cards, MCR ticket."
"Where was it stolen from?"
"The bus seat next to me."
"I don't... I don't even give a shit about your wallet, man. What am I gonna do about the concert? I can't go alone!"
"I know, I feel really bad too. I'll reimburse your mom, I promise."

I thought the fucker was lying. Who talks about their stolen wallet with no remorse on their face? Jesus. He was probably giddy about having a valid reason not to go. Lots of other signs, too, but he wasn't lying, I found out from other sources.

About that moment, I bend my head down and put my hand on my eyes. The bell rings and as I'm walking to class, failing at an attempt not to cry, I hear Katelyn talking to Dave, saying, "Did you tell Carissa?" And then I got to class, and since finals are next week, we were playing a review game, which I couldn't play because it required getting up. I spent the entire class with my head down on my desk, the entire class screaming at me to play, when finally the teacher gave in and agreed not to let me play. Some bitch on the other team was still complaining about how unfair it was that I didn't have to play, then my team started backing me up, and some bitch fight broke out about some other shit, and I missed it all. After the game the bell rings and I just sail through the rest of my classes, completely jaded, really depressed, sewing for this fucking doll project that I didn't even get to give to the band. Sam and Dave gave me hugs at lunch. After school I was so nervous about the show that I couldn't even eat an ice cream drumstick that I paid for. My dad got mad at me because he drove through the school and couldn't find me, which pissed me off even more. Stopped by the house, picked up the drawings, didn't leave until about 3:30 or 3:40.

Got to the arena, met up with [info]acciomcr and some of her friends. Walked around with one of her friends, Angela, thought we saw MCR. Grabbed Nicole, turns out the people weren't MCR. So we went to Jack In The Box. Interesting people who were in line:
Some guy who looked like Mikey circa '03. Tall, skinny, glasses, hair, grey beanie, black tshirt, grey skinny jeans. So adorable.
Midget who had Richard Simmons hair and a Gene Wilder face and penguin walk. God I'm such a bitch.
Hot guy who works/worked at Hot Topic who has Bert McCracken hair and a Davey Havok face.

I was kinda bummed out about not having floor tickets so I called up my drum instructor. He was taking his little sister and had floor seats, so I wondered if he'd like to switch with me. Didn't happen. I was already in line for reserved seating and he still wasn't there so, whatever. Can anyone who's reading this tell I'm being really apathetic? Last night I was pissed off. I wrote this HUGE blog on MySpace that had a lot of angry vibes and I lost the fuckin' thing so here I am posting on LiveJournal the next day not giving a shit.

Got in, sat down, called up a couple of friends to pass the time. This guy Derek had a seat right next to me. He was talkative. Not obnoxiously, but it was enjoyable. We talked about concerts, mostly. About that concert in particular. Well, what else are you gonna talk about to a stranger you're sitting next to at a show? Saves the Day came on and I've never heard their music before, but they played for around half an hour. I really like their song Kaleidoscope. In fact I'm listening to it now. And I said the worst thing after their set. I said, "I really regret not bringing Ibuprofen. I have a huge headache right now.". And then Derek took it as, I thought the band sucked. And he said "They weren't horrible, they had some alright songs." so I had to correct him. Said I hadn't eaten or drank anything all day and I was prone to headaches anyway. He said he was too.

There were some girls standing in the stairwell screaming and jumping around like they were in the moshpit. Good for them, you know? They were annoying as fuck, but seriously, at least they weren't down on the floor clawing their way to the front. They didn't give a shit where they were, all they cared about was that a band they loved was playing music they loved, and they were gonna have some fuckin fun with it.

MCR BEGINS

MCR came on and... ugh. Jason [or some other J name] Dewees was playing keyboard, then the band came on and played This Is How I Disappear. Then Dead. After that, Gerard talked for like, 2 minutes. "New Jersey in the fuckin house! I dunno where you're all from but that's where we're from! That's where Saves the fuckin Day is from! You guys have been a great crowd tonight, when people fall you pick them right up. I want to see you keep that up all night." I'm Not Okay played next. When Frank was supposed to say "Trust me", he said "I love you." Or... I think it was Frank. "I love you" was said instead of "Trust me" so it was probably Frank, but I was watching Gerard and didn't see Frank at the mic. Right after it was said I looked at Frank and he was already far away from the mic so if he did say it, he jumped away really fast. Gerard said the next song, "is about being a male prostitute. Which I used to be!" and it was Give 'Em Hell, Kid. At another show long ago, Gee said it was about getting knocked up. I bet it's just a Gerard thing, and he wasn't thinking about sex at all while he wrote it. The Sharpest Lives was played after that. Then Mama. Gerard did a little something silly. The bombs were going off and... there must have been one instrument playing, but I can't remember what it was, but it must have been there because Gerard was clapping in time with the song and chanting "Everybody in the whole place whole place, everybody in the whole place whole place" over and over until Ray came in and the song started. They played Cemetery Drive after Mama. Then Gerard talked about how Bob hurt his wrists so he couldn't play, so instead, Tucker from Thursday was filling in, and then he mentioned Dewees, and then he said the next song was dedicated to Thursday and Saves the Day, and it was Welcome To The Black Parade. I Don't Love You was played next. It wasn't until a day or two ago that it occurred to me that I Don't Love You reminds me of my dad, so I was trying to think of my dad during the song it but I wasn't getting into it. During this song, something strange happened. By the time Gerard was singing "Another dollar's just another blow, so fix your eyes and get out", I realized that I couldn't remember him playing "You're still a good for nothing I don't know, so fix your gloves and get up". And I hated that. What's weird is that, those instances happened a lot. I'd hear Gerard singing the second verse in a song and I'd realize I didn't remember when he sang the first verse, like I was disassociating, which is weird because I was singing along to every lyric of every song. In fact, I don't remember the band playing Give 'Em Hell, Kid at all. If I hadn't written it down as soon as they started playing, and then I tried to look through my iPod and gather up all the songs they played, it probably wouldn't have made it on the list. House Of Wolves was played next and I don't think Tucker was playing the intro right. It didn't sound right. After House of Wolves, they played You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison, then Helena. Gerard made everybody in the seats stand up and clap during Helena. After Helena, Derek said he was gonna go to the bathroom and he never came back. I couldn't stop thinking about how loudly and terribly I was screaming and I how I get the feeling that Derek left because he was annoyed. I remembered he was texting someone all night so maybe he knew a guy with an empty seat next to them, or he just went to find any empty seat. Then I thought maybe he just wasn't allowed back into the arena once he left to use the bathroom but it still didn't make me feel better. Then the band played Teenagers, then Sleep. During the later part of Sleep, Gerard was laying down on the floor. Cancer played after Sleep, and it was just Gerard standing close to the drumset with one light shining on him. After Cancer, people were fussing around and Ray came on stage, sitting in a chair. Gerard said the next song didn't make it onto a record, so immediately I knew it was Desert Song. He said it was about being in a band, and some other stuff about a band, and then Ray started playing. He was bobbing his head and his hair was bouncing a little more violently than his head, giving the illusion that he was head banging. Then more lights came on and Mikey and Frank showed up, and they played Famous Last Words. There was no fire. During that song I was standing and jumping, and I got dizzy and almost fell a couple of times. Then the band hopped down the stairs, handed their stuff to roadies, walked around to the back of the stage and left the building. Lights turned on and the crew cleaned up the stage. Really pathetic.

Some other random bits:
- Early on, after two or three songs, the lights were off and Gerard said "I want to see your beautiful faces.", and then spotlights were turned onto the crowd. Then later on, after another song, Gerard said "I want to see your faces again." and the crowd laughed a little and then lights were turned on.

- Mikey! Mikeymikeymikey! He was so fun! He was shaking his head and whipping his hair across his face, and jumping around and getting close to the edge of the stage, like... man, at times I couldn't even tell which was Frank and which was Mikey. But Frank was definitely a lot more active than Mikey.

- There were moments when Gerard was skidding around on stage where I physically felt like I was him, moving around like he was. I was getting dizzy from watching.

- Frank's behavior was silly. He was doing his normal thrashing. During one song he was near the edge of the stage, his ass was facing me directly, and he was kicking up his left leg and it reminded me of a dog taking a piss.

- There was minimal prancing on Gerard's part.

- During Sleep, there were pretty blue and purple lights filling the arena, rotating, and when the chorus would start up, the lights would spin faster.

- Just before one song, Gerard had everybody lift their hands up, and before he started singing, he said "You guys look beautiful tonight."

- During, what I believe was the first song, Gerard's mic got knocked down, and he picked it back up with his foot while he was still singing. Like multitasking.

- I can't remember if this happened during a song or between songs, but at one point... yeah, I'm pretty sure it was during a song, Frank's mic was knocked down [maybe he was kicking it down?] and some roadie ran out, picked it up and ran off stage, like he was in a hurry.

AND NOW I STOP TALKING ABOUT MCR.

As I stood up, I was torn between walking out to the front and finding Derek or walking out the nearest exit and going to find the band. I chose the latter in two heartbeats. Didn't find them. A few smokers were hanging out and there was some security, and I asked one guard if the band would show up and he wasn't sure. It was like the guys ninja'd their way into a car as soon as they walked out [due to the setup of the arena and parking, it probably was just a 10 second walk from the building to their van, or less]. I thought I saw a trailer, so I walked around the arena the other way, didn't find Derek, couldn't find a trailer or anything similar. I called my dad and he spoke like I was a burden on his life. He wasn't expecting the concert to end so early, he needed about 10 minutes to get ready. I walked around the other side of the arena again and still couldn't see anything. Called my mom about 15 minutes after I first called my dad and she said he was still there. Gave the phone to my dad and he was bitching at me for being impatient so I started crying and hung up. He called back later and yelled again because my mom started "bitching at him for no reason." There was a fucking reason! If my mom agreed to pick me up after the show, and she "wasn't expecting it to be over so quickly", she wouldn't have said a damned word. She would have paused the television, gotten dressed, grabbed her purse and left. Later on my dad told me that as soon as he heard the slightest hint of tears in my voice, he hauled ass. It wouldn't have taken my mom to hear me crying to haul ass and pick me up. YEAH I KNOW MY DAD'S GOT GREAT PARENTING SKILLS HUH. Fucking asshole! I HATE HIM. So finally he picked me up around 10, about 45 minutes after the concert got out. We went to 711 and came home and I got on the computer and typed up a huge emotion-filled blog about my night on MySpace, lost it, then I went to bed.

I had a strange dream. The school was involved in some motivational promotion thing, and students could make posters and commercials to air on the morning news. I didn't want to have anything to do with it, but I was pulled out of French class [I hate my french teacher, by the way] and talked to about what kinds of posters I could make. On my way back to class to pick up my stuff, since this lecture lasted until the bell rang, my teacher passed by me and wanted to talk. There's this place on campus, a small hill leading from one building to another, with a worn down path in the middle of the hill that students walk on. In my dream, either side of that hill was a straight drop. I was about to walk down that hill when I turned around, flipped off my teacher, and then I jumped off the side of the hill and laid down on the ground, feeling so depressed and not giving a shit.

The end.
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How to comment a LiveJournal story. [Jun. 3rd, 2007|09:31 pm]
I've gotten compliments on my wonderful technique of writing a comment on a fanfic among LJ communities, and I've heard authors complain about bad comment writers. Someone finally suggested to me that I write out a post on how to write a proper comment that people love.

What NOT to write:

1. "OMG! FC!"
I never truly understood the significance of a first-comment. An author reads every comment they receive on a story, not just the first one, so that can't be it. And there isn't really much to be happy about, knowing you 'got there first' - so you have no life, big deal. ...Okay, kidding. Now, I've had my fair share of FCs, but not once had I replied to one simply to say 'OMG, I got an FC, this is so cool!', and even if it were cool to get one, there's no reason to point it out, it's pretty clear when anyone views the comments on a story. But what I think is even worse than that, is clicking on a story, and commenting before you even read it, just to be the first one. That's just plain rude, it shows the author that you care more about being first in line than you do about reading their story, which is really insulting. Of course, commenting before you read the story and only saying - and only meaning - "UPDATE! I'VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG FOR THIS! THANK YOU!", well, that could be accepted. But that could also be included at the beginning of your comment when you finally do read the story. So quit it.

2. "I love this. Keep going. Here's a cookie."
Well, that's nice, and I'm sure the author is very flattered - people like cookies, right? But after receiving so many of these short and sweet comments, they start to lose meaning. There's no reasoning as to why you love the story, why the author should keep it up, therefore, the author can't truly appreciate it. Maybe include a sentence or two of why you like the story so much.

3. "Grr! Why hasn't [insert event] happened yet?"
Don't ever complain to an author about why their story isn't moving in the direction you want it to move in. It's their story, their beautiful thought that came together in their head, this amazing piece of fictional literature that has never been known by another human. The purpose of writing a story is for an author to share a little piece of themselves with an audience that is willing to listen. Someday when they're finished sharing the story, you can rewrite your own the way you want it to be written - with credit given to the author of the story that yours is based on, of course - but it's frustrating as well as annoying as well as saddening to see that someone is displeased with the way someone is writing out their story. Another way to look at it is, some authors feel that stories are true happenings in other dimensions - events from another world that don't exist in our time, and the author is just a 'reporter'. They can't change the story because a reader doesn't like what's happening - in the case of a story written in past-tense, you can't changed what's already happened.

What you SHOULD write:

1. "I like the scene where..."
Some authors are really cautious about what they put in their stories because they're worried that readers won't like certain lines or scenes or actions by the characters. When a reviewer writes specifically what bits of the story they enjoyed, especially if it was a scene the author wasn't particularly confident about, it lets them know that they're doing a good job, and at least someone can appreciate their work.

2. "I feel like I understand this part..."
Often, you'll find stories that include pieces of information that aren't fully explained in the story - that take some thinking on the readers' behalf to be fully understood. When an author doesn't write in an omniscient form, they enjoy it when the reader can still catch on to the message the author was trying to portray, in writing subtly. If you overthink a scene in a story, tell the author about what you think it means, and they'll be able to discuss it with you. Some authors like being able to discuss their story on a personal level with their readers.

More to come soon.
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The Wall [Mar. 20th, 2007|07:18 pm]
I had a wall, and it was beautiful. I had such a beautiful wall, it was made of stone and looked like a castle wall, it was so strong. Just like a castle wall, no one could get in. Because it was mine, only I could see it. If some people found that out, they would call me crazy, so I liked to keep it a secret. Sometimes people thought that they could get to the other side of my wall, because they don't see it there. I pretended that they were on my side of the wall so they wouldn't call me crazy, but they really weren't. It's too strong to let them through. Because they don't see it there, when they turn around to "get back" on their side of my wall, they think they are returning, but really they just get further and further away. I had no trouble forgetting them, because they were never on the same side of the wall as I.

One day a person approached my wall, and they saw through it and saw me standing there alone. They tried to come to me, but they felt the cool surface of the wall. I looked up at them and smiled knowingly, because I knew they couldn't come to me. But then I saw them step back, and run to the wall. I thought they would crash into it and finally leave me alone, but they jumped onto the wall and began to climb. Then I saw them fall from the sky in front of me, and they picked me up off the ground and stood with me. They took all their energy to climb to my side of the wall, and couldn't go back.

After I lived a new life with a person on my side of the wall, they grew restless, and because they still remembered life before living on my side of the wall they craved visiting their old life. I took care of them and soon, they had restored enough energy to climb back over the wall. I watched them leave and waited for them to come back. People continued to approach my wall, blind to its presence and pretended there was nothing blocking them from me, but none of them looked like the person who jumped over the wall. Life outside of my wall must be more beautiful than my wall itself, because the person who left me to return to it still hasn't come back.

I have a wall, and it is beautiful, but maybe I should start letting people know it's there. That way they would get scared and leave before they found out that I was behind the wall, and I would not know of them at all.
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