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fucktheworldxx

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Some random things baout me, and a place to go to concerts. [Jul. 15th, 2010|06:24 pm]
fucktheworldxx
1) Some of my favorite past times include playing card games, getting into silly arguments, and watching my buddies scream obscenities at strangers while driving past them in the middle of the night.
2) I was a very realistic child. I never believed in Santa Clause or the Tooth Fairy, and I actually never grew up with the tradition of the Easter Bunny - Easter has always been a religious holiday for me.
3) Heat makes me feel nauseous, and my mood improves with a decrease in temperature. This is why it's difficult for me to believe that I'll get sick of Minnesota winters very fast.
4) Cocoa Pebbles are my favorite type of cereal.
5) I'm not necessarily accident prone, I'm just reckless. If the only likely side effect to doing something I think of as fun is me getting a little hurt, I'm not afraid to just do it. I show off my scars, too.
6) I'm very sensitive to people around me, in many ways. If I had a teacher that I liked for a subject I hated, I would be able to pass the class. If I was doing something in front of a person who was better at the task than I was, I would feel very tiny and vulnerable even if they weren't saying anything about it.
7) My greatest happiness comes from knowing that I was able to help a person out.
8) I make humor out of crappy situations as a way to bring light into the world, but sometimes I do it wrong.
9) One time, I was playing a game with a friend where I try to guess what card he's holding. After I randomly guessed that it was a club, I started to see the card in my head as I guessed more and more about it. Pretty sure an angel was giving me that image.
10) Only one time in my life have I ever failed to see the "silver lining". One time. That's not a whole lot.
11) I think stupid questions exist. There aren't many of them, but they exist.
12) I love going to concerts. It goes against a lot of my typical behaviors, but there's just something about a smoke-touched, beer-drenched, screaming, pulsing, chaotic crowd of people being led by a group of musical kids that just reaches for me.
13) I'm an averagely healthy eater. I can eat two, maybe three pieces of candy, or half a pastry but then I start feeling sick. Food that's good for your body just tastes so damn good to me.
14) I like looking at teeth. I didn't realize it until a few months ago, but I memorize my friends' smiles.
15) Nature is a huge part of my life. I love hikes, climbing trees, playing football out on the lawn until dinner time, rolling down hills, and the like. I'm just not very athletic.
16) Just because I like cats doesn't mean I'll be a crazy cat lady someday.
17) A well-written poem inspires me to do many things.
18) Driving is very soothing to me. I love both being behind the wheel and being a passenger. I also love flying and sitting on busses.
19) A lot of different careers and lifestyles appeal to me, but I know art is my pathway and the others should just be hobbies.
20) I believe in ghosts.
21) I enjoy reading the Bible, both to learn more about God and also to come up with theories on how the Bible and science can coexist peacefully.
22) Someone once told me I had a soothing aura, but I think the soothing feeling people get when they're around me is something I work a lot harder at than they think. Unfortunately I'll never know for sure.
23) It's difficult for me to enjoy a movie when everyone else is criticizing it, because I feel like if I tried to defend the movie then all my friends would argue with me about it.
24) When I was younger, I always thought that any young adult who worked as a camp counselor secretly hated, laughed at and made fun of all their campers with the other counselors. I hated camping until I was 13 for that reason.
25) I wish I was better at drawing comics.

Varsity Theatre
Triple Rock
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*sigh* [Jun. 18th, 2010|01:05 pm]
fucktheworldxx
I had a dream last night that one of my teachers became my best friend. She had come over to help out with something and accidentally left her iPod charging in my computer, along with something else. I had to go find her while she was on a hike to return them. Then she found out that I needed something to eat. She snuck into my house really early in the morning, made a chip dip for me, and accidentally left her purse there on the counter. Her and I were acting like it was completely normal for her to have left her belongings at my house.
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(no subject) [Jun. 7th, 2010|04:00 am]
fucktheworldxx
Oh my fucking God I hate seeing people that look like him and then actually having a fleeting moment where I need to go hug him and say hello even though I should know damn well that it is not him.

Especially when the person that looks like him is on my living room floor sleeping and it's dark and I can't even figure out who it is so I actually fucking feel like it's him because that's the only person I see.
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Movies I Should Watch On Netflix [May. 10th, 2010|07:12 pm]
fucktheworldxx
Donnie Darko

Easier With Practice

Phoebe In Wonderland

Last Chance Harvey

Basketball Diaries

Hounddog

Seven Pounds

Without A Trace

L.I.E.

Instinct

Teenage Dirtbag

Harold and Maude

The Horse Boy

Stolen Summer

As Far As My Feet Will Carry Me
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Things about me I am afraid are true [Mar. 13th, 2010|09:34 pm]
fucktheworldxx
Howard Gardner proposed a theory of different kinds of intelligences. The seven main kinds are interpersonal, mathematical, linguistic, musical, spatial, kinetic, and intrapersonal. My own personal theory is that I excel in all seven of those intelligences expect for intrapersonal, which is knowing yourself and your feelings well. Of course, I couldn't be too sure about that, because I'm not very in tune with my own needs. I guess that proves it? Here's a list of things that I am very afraid are actual facts about me, but I can't be too sure that they're true. I can only determine these based on vague reactions I have to certain stimulates, and looking back on my behaviors.

1. I have no motivation to actually get a job and I will be terrified of the day where I have to get one.

2. I am a compulsive liar and also compulsively tell truths with particular wordings that give people different impressions.
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(no subject) [Sep. 14th, 2009|04:14 pm]
fucktheworldxx
Since my good friend Bill passed away last Saturday, I've had, to my memory, 3 or 4 dreams about it. Last night's one was all about using a technique involving strong memories, and learning how to seize and manipulate the fourth dimension to create the illusion that he was still alive. The sad part was that, the way it worked in the dream, still seemed like it should work in real life. Even after I woke up I felt like I should be able to pull that off, whatever it was.

I think one of the other dreams was pretty much the same thing.
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I had an appendectomy on May 16th [that's a Saturday]. [May. 23rd, 2009|08:31 pm]
fucktheworldxx
When I woke up at midnight on Saturday, I felt immense physical pain in my lower abdomen.

When I woke my mom up a few minutes later in hopes that she could give me a cure, I felt guilty for waking her.

When I continued to cry, and my mom eventually sighed and asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital at 12:30, I wanted to say no, and wondered why she jumped to such an extremity before trying anything else.

When she asked again and I nodded yes, and she went into her room saying she'll go get dressed, I felt remorse for making her do this on an hour of sleep.

When I knew I had the strength to speak and grab my iPod on the way out the door, I felt embarrassed that my mom might think I was over-exaggerating the pain.

When the pain started going down on the way to the hospital, I felt desperation and prayed that going to the hospital would be worth it.

When my mom rubbed my leg my leg as we were waiting in the emergency room to be called in, I felt like maybe she finally cared about what was happening to me.

When my mom joked to the nurse about how I was in a bed and she was in a chair, and I got two hours of sleep while she only had one before we left, I felt nothing.

When my mom left to go sleep in the car and I called her 15 minutes later because I started having an attack of pain in my chest and needed her to call the nurse for me, I felt nothing.

When my mom joked to the nurses about how sleeping in the car didn't work, I felt unloved.

When the doctor came in at 3 AM after doing blood tests and told us my white blood cell count was high, I felt like thanking God that something was wrong and wanted to turn to my mom and say, "Told you so".

When I heard a group of nurses and doctors having fun and laughing outside my open door in the early, slow hours of the hospital, I felt safe.

When a nurse caught my eye while I was leaving the bathroom and smiled at me, I felt cared for.

When a doctor came in at 7 AM to tell me that he and an off-site radiologist looked at my CT scan results and they determined it was suspicious for early appendicitis, I felt sad that they were making it seem that unimportant.

When that same doctor came in at 9 AM to tell me that the on-site radiologist came in and looked at it with more people, and they determined it was appendicitis, I felt a little better that it was that important.

When my mom left to get breakfast in the cafeteria and we had to call her back in just 10 minutes later so the surgeon resident could talk to us, I felt guilty for not telling her she should just wait a few more minutes before leaving.

When the surgeon told me that they were going to operate and take out the appendix even if it wasn't infected, just to be safe, I felt like they were making too big a deal out of it to make me feel better about myself and hoped that it really would be inflamed.

When I was taken to another room in the pediatrics ward, I loved having nurses who treated me like I was as young as the other patients in that ward, and took care of me.

When I was told I would stay overnight in the hospital after the surgery so they could keep an eye on me, I felt happy to not have to deal with my family for a whole night.

When I was being prepped up for the surgery and my hospital gown slipped off my shoulder and my chest was exposed, I felt secure enough that only doctors were seeing it.

When I was told I couldn't eat solid foods until the next day, I felt relieved that something bad finally happened to me and I had a reason to relax and let someone take care of me.

When my mom finally left at 7:40 PM to go home for the night, I felt like a chain was being cut and looked forward to being on my own for the rest of the night.

When my IV slipped out of my vein in the middle of the night and I let the fluid swell up in my arm for 3 hours while I slept, I felt disgusted with myself for tossing around so much and letting it happen.

When my night nurse was gentle and loving about the IV incident and explained to me that I didn't really need the IV for anything anymore, I felt like that mistake could be erased.

When I realized I could get up and go to the bathroom without having to unplug the apparatus the IV was hooked up to, and take it with me, I felt sad that I was slowly evolving out of the get-treated-like-a-baby phase of my hospital stay.

When the surgeon resident came in the next morning to tell me that he talked to me after the surgery but I didn't remember it because I was still "out of it" from the anesthesia, I felt pathetic that I couldn't remember what the doctors were saying to me.

When I was on the phone when my Sunday nurse came in and he left quickly, I felt pissed off at myself for cutting his visit short.

When the surgeon wrote that I could be excused from school for a week and was confined to "limited duty" until the day before school ended, I felt relieved that I was given time to work with.

When I insisted on going to school the very next day, I felt cocky and loved how everyone admired me for it.

When one friend told me that he was proud of me for not "being a whiny little bitch" like another student was when he had appendicitis a few years prior, I felt strong and loved that was proud of me.

When that student told me how much worse his appendicitis situation actually was than mine, and how long he ignored the pain for, that amazing feeling went away.

When I had to leave math class a few minutes early for my follow-up appointment on Thursday, and my teacher asked me on the way out the door if something was wrong or if it was just a check-up, I felt loved and thanked him for the concern.

When the doctor who was doing the follow-up told me that test results showed my appendix was infected, I felt pretty awesome.

When I'm at home at night listening to music, playing Solitaire, reminiscing on my hospital stay, I feel depressed that I'm not still in the hospital.

When I'm reminiscing about the hospital stay, and remembering details instead of just vague happenings, making me feel like I haven't forgotten anything, I feel like I want to write them all down and hold onto them forever.

When I realize that I never once day-dreamed about any moment between 9 PM on Friday night and 1 PM on Sunday afternoon, I feel satisfied that there was finally an experience in my life that I enjoyed so much, that I didn't want to play with and trick my memory into believing it happened any other way.

I think I'm real messed up.
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Things That Make Me Cry [May. 10th, 2009|08:51 pm]
fucktheworldxx
Everyone has a few things in life that depress them, for one reason or another. I don't really know myself that well; it's hard for me to answer questions about my emotions or to really decipher what I'm feeling sometimes. But when the thought is there, I'm quite aware of some things that really just make me cry on the inside. I'd cry on the outside, too, but I'm probably so depressed at whatever's making me feel that way that crying just kinda makes things worse.

So, here it is. Things That Make Me Cry [Without Fail]:
1. Nausea.
2. Vomitting.
3. Thoughts/fear of vomiting in the future.
4. People who cry and scream and throw hissy fits to make other people do whatever they want. My heart goes out to people who are too weak to overcome these people.
5. Realizing that I just screamed and cried and threw a hissy fit and ended up getting what I wanted, especially if it's something another person REALLY didn't want to give me.
6. Sad animals.
7. Making animals sad.
8. Pain that doesn't go away no matter how hard you try.
9. Heat.
10. Being out in the heat and then walking into even worse heat.
11. Feeling vulnerable to how powerful the Earth is and realizing that I may feel safe now, but really, a global disaster that no one can run away from is what's probably going to kill us all.
12. Spilling ice cream [or other frozen treats] on the ground [or on any other surface that can't be eaten off of].
13. Balloons that are popped on accident.
14. Non-babies acting like babies [not to be confused with non-kids acting like a playful fun kind of kid, which actually makes me kinda happy].
15. Loud noises.
16. Not doing something right.
17. Getting yelled at for doing something wrong accidentally.
18. Not being able to fall asleep because of physical discomfort.
19. Taking a nap during the day and feeling like I missed out on a lot.
20. The color of the sky when there aren't any clouds, but it's voggy.
21. My dog making licky-chewy-sloppy-shuffle-breathing noises when she's trying to clean herself.
22. The way my dog smells because no one has given her a bath in fuck knows how long.
23. My dog touching her nose on my hand.
24. Anything dirty or wet getting on my hands within seconds after washing and drying them.
25. Anything wet getting on my arms that isn't rain or something I put there.
26. Things that aren't being communicated well enough.
27. Not understanding what's happening or what's expected of me.
28. Trying to gain control of a situation that no one's letting me gain control of.
29. Doing things wrong that I know I shouldn't be doing wrong.
30. Things coming to an improper ending.
31. Trying to do something for/to someone else and then having them scream "NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!".

That's it for now.
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Augh dreams [Feb. 28th, 2009|11:39 am]
fucktheworldxx
Well I found this game on the Gameboy. It was originally on the N64, but anyway, I got this game and I beat a level I'd been having a lot of trouble with, and I got past it and then kept playing and having fun. Then all of a sudden my dad comes in telling me about this thing he heard about the game, and you had to get to the top of a certain "hill" for something "special". I could tell that somehow the game had become somewhat of a reality and really, he wanted something drug-related that the top of the hill could get him. Then of course, all of a sudden, MCR were scheduled to show up at school over the weekend. Their scheduled date wasn't until a day later, but there was already a line, and instead of my dad wanting me to get to the top of that hill, it was some shady guys, who also wanted us to buy these crafts they were making, and they were telling us that it would help us meet MCR if we got to the top of the hill. Since we couldn't get it, we weren't allowed to meet the band or eat any of the cake that was going around. Later that night, Chris B. found out that the guys were trying to get this ion that was on the hill for illegal reasons. He called 911 and told them that they were trying to clone dinosaurs and already had one ready to go. I had to go through a door [we were now on the run] leading into a small room, then had to through another maze of doors, so that the guy who was trying to find me, of course, wouldn't find me. Chris had figured out the same thing I figured out, and when we finally caught the guy, he admitted to us what he wanted, and agreed not to kill us. Then the dream skipped forward, kind of like a cliche horror movie where everyone lives but years later the nightmare comes back to haunt them. It skipped forward a couple of months, and Chris and I all of a sudden were dating. I was walking up this back road in town somewhere, and supposedly it was dangerous but I knew I was gonna be okay. I heard people going "psst!" behind me to get me to stop walking, but I ignored it. All of a sudden I was encased in warmth, and blacked out. I woke up and all my friends were with me, and those shady guys were back to get something else [we were smart and didn't do it].
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Hehehe. [Jan. 31st, 2009|06:20 pm]
fucktheworldxx
Holly: I really like root beer floats.
Josh: Yes! Without the root.

Adam: Eisenhower invented the interstate system.
Me: That's great.
Adam: Who was the president when Hawaii became a state?
Me: I don't know.
Adam: Eisenhower.
Me: That's nice.

Josh: Guys, there's a ton of fruit left over, so everyone should grab one on the way.
Brandi: I already have a fruit!
Josh: You are a fruit.
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